Sunday, December 26, 2010

Dealing with Disappointment

Bequia---How do you really deal with disappointment? You made a plan after everything else was crumbling around you. But immediately, it's not what you expected. But you go on, caught up in the wonder of the world around you. Stumbling through right and wrong. But it's not right. Nothing seems "right." So the plan can't continue, it needs to change. However, your heart and brain had it all set, how it would be. You even visualized how the future would feel. How do you deal?

For me, I had visualized sailing into U.S. waters on the boat Juno. Meeting friends to show them the boat I had spent a year on. Unloading my things from the boat to the car. Now that it's clear that this is not going to happen, I am so very disappointed.

I took a year to get my head together after a 26 year career and now, 9 months later I feel more messed up than before I left. How can that be? There was a morning in Barbados, after The Captain lost it with me, that I felt about as low as I could ever imagine.  I walked slowly to my cafe with the free wifi with my head down trying hard to count my blessings. That doesn't always work.

The things I've been told about myself and how it has made me feel took me down. I was humbled to the lowest level of despair. I could go into all sorts of details but that would do no good. The fact was, I had to shake it.

I'm listening God but I just can't hear you right now.

My adventure of being at sea for a year, making the long crossing for the reward of seeing the Caribbean might not be realized.

Do I go home? Do I find another boat? ...it's not that easy and well, I'm scared. There. I said it.

When I had to move my dog, The Captain kept saying, "Things change, people change," ...this now continues to ring in my head.

I fell in love with those kids on the boat. Even though it was hard and I wanted to stick an ice pick in my head many times, I became attached.

And The Captain, well yes we fought and his kids started saying "Why are you so mean to Miss Edee?"...most of it was in jest. I knew that. He was my roommate for this long, the longest I've ever lived with a man. He can fix ANYTHING. He can not communicate. He thinks he is always right. But he is the best, safest Captain ever. And when times are rough, he can be so caring and offer good solid advice.  Even though I am figuratively bruised everywhere from this man, I have grown because of him.

I can feel myself healing, alone in this studio. Processing it all and letting it go. Forgiving. Working on finding a new boat everyday for hours on the computer. Trying my best to move my life forward.  Enbracing some time off the water in this studio appartment on this tiny island of only 4,000. Walking down to the village each day, buying a cappuccino or a Roti.  Laughing with the vendors on the street.  The beauty all around me is contagious.

And so it goes, my plans did not work out. My Changing Courses changed courses. I just can't tell what direction the compass is pointing.

6 comments:

stevensonkate said...

Edee what has happened? Im a slow learner. You need to spell it out.

stevensonkate said...

I think you are awesome. Dont let yourself get down girl. You are on vacation, just keep telling yourself that, one day/ hour at a time. This too shall pass. Nothing one of our girly girl talks wont heal. Im so so proud and in awe of you girl.

Crew of the Solstice said...

Hi Edee. Don't give up. I bet you can find a boat. Here are some links for you: http://www.worldcruising.com/forum/topics.aspx?ForumID=1, http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/f30/, http://www.cruiser.co.za/crewfinder.asp. Good luck! Stay in touch with your location, and maybe we'll see you again on the other side.
-Shirlee

Jim said...

Anxious to hear all is well!

Char said...

You are right...shake it off and hold your head high. No one, including "the Captain", knows what is really in your heart and head. For many years I watched as you put others before yourself; this may be the time to really bust out on your own and put YOU first. It must be scary to have no backup plan, but that is what you are great at. Believe in your own independent spirit... you only have 3 months left to prove it to yourself. Make the best of this uncertain situation, it's been my experience that this is when you really shine! No matter what, you have friends who will help if needed. The Edee I know will prove her resolve and come out of this adventure stronger, wiser and more complete in herself than ever. YOU ARE MOLLY BROWN incarnate, make lemonade from lemons the way I know you can.
Love you and here for you, just ask if you need it.

Char

Anonymous said...

Edee, I trust that you'll find your way. Sometimes you just need to kick back, clear your head and learn to appreciate the little things in life and the others don't seem so big. We're going to be nearby (St. Lucia) for a week so are just a skip away. Hang in there - I'll be thinking of you and know you'll work things out.

Sandy