Bequia---How do you really deal with disappointment? You made a plan after everything else was crumbling around you. But immediately, it's not what you expected. But you go on, caught up in the wonder of the world around you. Stumbling through right and wrong. But it's not right. Nothing seems "right." So the plan can't continue, it needs to change. However, your heart and brain had it all set, how it would be. You even visualized how the future would feel. How do you deal?
For me, I had visualized sailing into U.S. waters on the boat Juno. Meeting friends to show them the boat I had spent a year on. Unloading my things from the boat to the car. Now that it's clear that this is not going to happen, I am so very disappointed.
I took a year to get my head together after a 26 year career and now, 9 months later I feel more messed up than before I left. How can that be? There was a morning in Barbados, after The Captain lost it with me, that I felt about as low as I could ever imagine. I walked slowly to my cafe with the free wifi with my head down trying hard to count my blessings. That doesn't always work.
The things I've been told about myself and how it has made me feel took me down. I was humbled to the lowest level of despair. I could go into all sorts of details but that would do no good. The fact was, I had to shake it.
I'm listening God but I just can't hear you right now.
My adventure of being at sea for a year, making the long crossing for the reward of seeing the Caribbean might not be realized.
Do I go home? Do I find another boat? ...it's not that easy and well, I'm scared. There. I said it.
When I had to move my dog, The Captain kept saying, "Things change, people change," ...this now continues to ring in my head.
I fell in love with those kids on the boat. Even though it was hard and I wanted to stick an ice pick in my head many times, I became attached.
And The Captain, well yes we fought and his kids started saying "Why are you so mean to Miss Edee?"...most of it was in jest. I knew that. He was my roommate for this long, the longest I've ever lived with a man. He can fix ANYTHING. He can not communicate. He thinks he is always right. But he is the best, safest Captain ever. And when times are rough, he can be so caring and offer good solid advice. Even though I am figuratively bruised everywhere from this man, I have grown because of him.
I can feel myself healing, alone in this studio. Processing it all and letting it go. Forgiving. Working on finding a new boat everyday for hours on the computer. Trying my best to move my life forward. Enbracing some time off the water in this studio appartment on this tiny island of only 4,000. Walking down to the village each day, buying a cappuccino or a Roti. Laughing with the vendors on the street. The beauty all around me is contagious.
And so it goes, my plans did not work out. My Changing Courses changed courses. I just can't tell what direction the compass is pointing.