Sad in Sicily

Riposto, Sicily---Living on a boat makes your world very small. There are 3-4 people who make up your social network so for me, when things are wrong, I take it all personally. Something I am working on and by the end of this year I hope to be an un-penetrateable rock.The Captain's wife is here and I feel like I am intruding on someone’s family vacation. My role has undefined lines, feeling largely in the way and I have become the punching bag.

I believe that the love you have for someone is equal or greater than the despair you feel when you think you are losing them. I never thought it was possible to be in Sicily and be miserable.

I think hard, evaluate, contemplate where I’ve been and what to do. I believe strongly that life needs to be lived looking ahead and not behind, however it is only with looking at the fuIl picture that you see why you have the belief system you do. I've spent a lot of time here evaluating: born poor, sharing a one room cabin with my family of four in a tiny town in Kansas, working since I was 15, a Mom that worked 2 full time jobs, struggling to pay for college, moving to Daytona Beach, Florida with no job, getting a job, making a life, a living, enough to buy a house and invest, then losing most of it because of my stupidity when choosing loans. (do you hear violins yet?) …Then (deep breathe) loosing most of it and letting it go and turning to hope. Hope for something to turn my way again. Travel. This trip. But now I question myself , where I might be going. I doubt myself, this life change, I feel daggers pointing at me...so do I stay on the boat or do I find another option for the next year? I feel devastated at that thought. I never asked for any of this. I wanted to help. I wanted to make things easier for my friends taking this trip. I think way, way, way too much. I miss my dog. I miss talking to my friends. I even miss my clients and workmates. I miss feeling loved.