BLOG NOTE; I am adding this post because readers think this trip may sound amazing but real life still is difficult. This blog is personal, yet this situation is very much a part of the experience of my life changing courses.
Reposto, Sicily----I didn't think things could get worse.
Yes, I'm a strong personality in wanting to get things done. I will take charge if there is a task at hand. I have short patience. I get frustrated waiting for people. I can be overly sarcastic. I'm silly, childish even, at times. I'm normally cheerful, even in the early morning. I play victim to often. I get hurt WAY to easily. I take everything personally. I'll offer my things or my help too easily. I'm ultra-organized but not neat. I get myself in situations where people take advantage, but then when I think they ARE taking advantage I get hurt first, pissed second. I keep up with a zillion friends, and was loyal to a fault. I get involved in other people's problems when I think I can make a difference. (I'm learning how wrong that is right now.) Having fun is a huge priority. When given a choice, I try to take both. I'm smarter than I act and dumber than I want to be.
This is me.
Now I feel myself changing. What I thought was up is down. What I thought was wrong feels right.
Mostly, I wonder if I am going crazy.
Yesterday, the captain's wife had stern words with me about her last days on the boat and her desire to just spend time with her family. I had been attempting to engage her to see what was wrong and try to fix it. She would like me to just be. So I stayed out of the way as best you can in a small rental car to a Volcano and then in a small sail boat. For dinner we miscommunicated and after waiting for an hour, I found out they wanted to eat as a couple. I lost my appetite and walked, and walked, and walked. Again, thinking way to much. But what DO I do?
The city of Reposto is poor and dirty. I walked until I didn't know where I was but it had turned residential with multiple three story apartment complexes that looked like city housing. It was still early evening and I had my Bushnell "Back Track" with me, a satellite driven location marker that points you back to where you marked home. This time home was the Marina we had docked at.
As I walked I continued to go over my options. Leave the boat and:
1. Go back to Daytona and help a friend run a bar.
2. Go to my cousins in the American Embassy in South Africa for a few weeks and sort things out.
3. Get online and look for another boat to crew on.
4. Go friend hopping for a while. A week on each friend's sofa would surely buy me a few months.
My heart aches, I want to stay but not if I'm not wanted here. I have cried more than I did making the decision to lose most everything. I'm mentally exhausted.
About 1-1/2 hours later I returned to the boat, just in time as night was falling. I decided to go through my luggage and get rid of some excess. My things have been living under the table for the last month. I filled a trash bag, wrote FREE on the side, and set it in the marina bathroom hoping for new homes for some of my things.
We left this morning for the Straights of Messina and an Island off Sicily. A trip that turned into terrible stages of weather, wind (40 knot gusts!) and waves, steep and rapid as we beat up wind. 17 hours, 15 minutes and 22 seconds we anchored at about 2am.
I had napped during the day so I took watch from 9pm on. They moon was full and was so bright behind me that I had to look back several times and make sure it really wasn't a freighter bearing down on us.
And all the time, in the moonlight, as the water crashed up against the bow of the boat, I thought and thought.
What do I do?
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8 comments:
Don't leave now, Shirish and the boys are going to need your sailing skills when Mary-Beth leaves. In the meantime, keep to yourself and leave them alone as much as you can. So sorry it is getting to this point of stress.
I'm sorry that the trip has become so stressful and not the stress reliever that you had hoped for. I'm sure your friend's anger is because you and her husband and kids are on this adventure and she's not. I can't imagine how much she misses them. It's not like you've done something wrong. My mother always used to say "make a list" of pros and cons for staying, leaving, etc. You'll do the right thing. I look forward to keeping up with you and reading your blog whenever you update. Know that your friends are with you. -Barb
Edee - Call me. Stay if you can. This too will pass. Everyone earns a free pass once and a while to screw up. I love you. Ruth
Edee,
Call or email me if you can, this will work out. As you have always been my closest friend I will always be here if you need me.
Miss you...
Love,
Staci
Edee,
I know you will do the right thing. I am here if you need me - MAry Beth will go home and things will return to normal. Remember you are on an adventure and you are being led to places you were destined to go to. Love you!
Lorry
Edee,
I've been on both sides of this situation and each time it changed my life and gave me great insight, but was extremely difficult. It's a very tough situation, but you’re tough too! Hang on for a little longer, and reevaluate the situation 3 days after MB leaves. You both have gone through a lot, and will continuing to go through a lot! Also, Cabin Fever is real, and quite a challenge for everyone. You are still not settled from the major life changes you’ve made and so many difficult things that have happened to you in the last year (plus). She's going through a lot too - missing the adventure, missing her family, seeing the communication/living dynamics that she will no longer be a part of, etc. We (mostly women) have a tendency to invent or create mental situations that can influence our behavior – based on our own mind’s inventions/games! As you think and try to resolve the situation, don’t let your mind run away and take you on scenarios that don’t exist. This may have already happened in her mind.
If you do decide to come back to FL, your friends will probably fight over who gets you first, the most, and how often.
Edee, you are a divine expression of God, and you are dearly loved and appreciated!!!
Kelly
P.S. I get dibs on Edee first!
You were in my thoughts all day. Hope things sort themselves out with a little more time. Love and prayers. Marty
hey edee, i sent you a long response to your email, which is a bit dated now. i hope things are better. i'm getting ready to paint my garage. and i have a whole guest room, so if friend hopping is on the agenda, put me on the list. butterflies. love, leslie
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