Dad, I'm going away.

My father is 86. He re-married 5 years after my mother’s death in 1998. But after a heart attack and a stroke he lives in a Retirement Home outside of Fresno, California. After his stroke his speaking is nearly impossible to understand over the phone. In person it is easier. But his mind has been clear. His new wife visits often and communicates his health and messages to me.

I knew that an important action before leaving was to make a trip to California. It is within reason to understand that something may happen when I am at sea, I might not be able to get home and he might not be around when I return. So I am going to say goodbye just in case.
I was looking forward to some heart to hearts but when I arrived he was very ill. An infection had affected his brain and all he did was quote Bible verses and pray out loud. I tried not to let my disappointment show and for 3 days I spent most of my time at the Home. Finally on the last day, right before my flight he had improved a bit.

“Dad, do you know I am going away?” I said scooting as close as I could to his wheel chair.
He nodded yes.
“I will be sailing for a long time and might not be able to see you again, do you understand what I’m saying?” I continued.
“Yes,” he said. “You be careful.”
“I will. The captain is very good, very safe,” I answered.
“I love you very much,” he finished and hung his head down.

I had heard I love you many times that weekend, and if I could have had just ONE when I was in high school, it may have changed a lot. But now my 6 foot, ultra conservative, hardy, eccentric father is a frail old man confined to a wheel chair. However, out of the entire weekend, it was the moment I had hoped for. I knew he understood and we had said our goodbyes.

There is goodbye and there is see you later. I’m afraid this was goodbye.